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Find Lasting Love by Knowing What You DON’T Want

Posted by >>>>> on January 19, 2016

When it comes to finding lifelong love we don’t ask ourselves the most important question.

So says Venus Rouhani, MA, LMFT, author of the groundbreaking new book, THE NO-NO LIST: HOW TO SPOT MR. WRONG

SO YOU CAN FIND MR. RIGHT.

The No-No List CoverIf you want a relationship that will endure, a partner with whom you can build a life and who will stand by you in good times and bad, zero in on potential mates with whom you share common interests, likes, and personality traits, right? “Wrong,” says Venus Rouhani, LMFT, MA, and author of the forthcoming book, THE NO-NO LIST: HOW TO SPOT MR. WRONG SO YOU CAN FIND MR. RIGHT (Greenleaf Book Group, January 2016, paperback). “Having things in common is simply not enough. “In fact, you actually need to be more aware of what you don’t want than what you do want,” she adds. In her practice Venus has seen scores of couples who have plenty in common, yet their marriages are hanging by a thread. That’s because they, like many of us, focused exclusively on the question of what they want in a mate and gave barely a thought to what they can’t tolerate in a partner. As a result, red flags were ignored and critical issues overlooked until the relationships became mired in bitterness and resentment. That’s why she says that before choosing a potential mate we need to think about what we would find unacceptable in a partner and create a “No-No List” to guide our choices. Her forthcoming book gives you a step-by-step process for doing just that. Whether you are just starting on your romantic journey or are tired of failed relationships, THE NO-NO LIST is essential reading.

Venus is available for interview. She can also provide author-penned articles and excerpts. Here is just some of what she can discuss.

  • The 31/69 percent ratio: Research conducted by the world-renowned psychologist John Gottman shows that only 31 percent of married couples’ issues are resolvable, and a whopping 69 percent are not. Venus asserts that this 69 percent comprises the ways in which individuals are different in personality and needs. Understanding just what makes up that 69 percent is essential to picking the right mate and making a relationship work.
  • Why you should spend plenty of time at public gatherings and venues with your potential partner: “It’s crucial to see your potential long-term partner in an array of social settings with a variety of people. This will allow you to observe him or her and detect red flags,” says Venus. For example, if he or she belittles a waiter or sales clerk it might suggest snobbery and if that is something you can’t tolerate, it’s time to step back and re-think.
  • “Yes, but he can change!” It’s so tempting to believe that we can have so much in common with another person that what we don’t like about them can be changed. The hard truth is that he is unlikely to change and in most cases expecting him to only leads to resentment and frustration for both parties. “In my practice I see couples almost every day who started out with this assumption and ended up in trouble,” says Venus.
  • How to use the No-No List for online dating: Online dating profiles connects people who have common interests, but does little to highlight areas of difference between potential partners. While Venus does not advise against online dating, she stresses that you must still have plenty of real-world, real-time interaction and not get caught up in thinking that a happy virtual relationship will automatically lead to a successful real-world one. “Online dating all starts with the unspoken question: ““Are you a possible match?”” But once you meet, you must switch to a new unspoken question “”Are you a possible No-No?””
  • How to differentiate between No-Nos and Never-Evers: In The No-No List Venus walks you through a step-by-step process for rating your individual list of No-Nos, so that you can differentiate between what you might be able to overlook and what you will never be able to tolerate.
  • How preparing to navigate the virtual sparks of attraction is like fire drill training: We’ve all been there. We meet someone who sweeps us off our feet and reason goes out the window. Our brains are hardwired to do this, but they can be trained to override it. Just as fire drills help us to respond rationally in emotionally charged situations, we can train ourselves not to be hijacked by the emotional fireworks. Creating and refining your No-No List is key to this process.
  • How understanding what you don’t want is crucial to understanding who you are: If we are truly going to know and, eventually, accept ourselves we have to get clarity on not only what we value, like, and enjoy, but what we don’t—and ask ourselves why. In The No-No List Venus urges you to probe your dislikes to discover what they suggest about your deepest values. This is essential because self-awareness and self-acceptance are part of the foundation of all successful relationships.

THE NO-NO LIST: HOW TO SPOT MR. WRONG SO YOU CAN FIND MR. RIGHT               Venus Rouhani, MA, LMFT | January 2016 | 158 pages | ISBN: 978-1-63299-058-7 | GreenLeaf Book Group Paperback | $15.95 | eBook: $7.99

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

VenusHeadshots-4 copyVenus Rouhani, LMFT, MA, is a psychotherapist and author whose approach to relationship counseling emphasizes the importance of using the rational mind to guide the desires of the heart. While recognizing the importance of emotion and chemistry in the pursuit of love, Venus advocates that awareness of undesirable qualities in a partner is more vital than the pursuit of common interests. Specializing in pre-relationship, pre-marital, couples, and family counseling, Venus also encourages those looking for love to develop self-understanding and self-acceptance as a strong foundation for lasting relationships.

After her retirement from dentistry (DDS) due to a shoulder injury, Venus earned a Masters degree in Mental Health and is licensed in both Marriage and Family Therapy (LMFT) and Professional Counseling (LPC). She is certified at Level 2 in John Gottman Marital Counseling and is a trained provider of Prepare-Enrich pre-marital counseling. Venus also draws from personal expertise to help her clients address and overcome their personal challenges: She has been happily married for over 40 years.

PRAISE

“Venus Rouhani provides a new approach to solving the age old problem of selecting a loving mate. Her recommendation that you know what you don’t want in relationships should be taken seriously. She provides guidelines and experiential exercises applicable to young and old, first time relationships, re-partnering, and even non-romantic relationships. Take time to integrate her hope-inspiring ideas and then create your own “no-no” list. You will undoubtedly make better choices that will help your interpersonal relationships thrive.”—Karen Chitwood Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, Fulbright Scholar, Assistant Professor, St Edwards University

“Venus Rouhani offers a fresh and practical approach to decision making about relationships. By identifying No-No’s in relationships she reveals the deal breakers that so often end up in divorce. Grounded in brain science and relational research, her book provides a clear guide to recognize and eliminate unhealthy love interests.”—Katy Swafford, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, Founder and Director, Eidetic Institute, Adjunct Professor, St Edward’s University

“Easy read with a simplified approach to finding love and staying in love. After reading Venus Rouhani’s The No-No List, I decided to apply some of her advice in my failing marriage, (this book is not just for single people looking for love). It helped not only save a marriage but change my focus and ask myself some simple yet effective questions.  Common sense that is not so common in today’s busy world.”—Laura Ibarra, Client, Denver, Colorado

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